Should of done something, but I’ve done it enough

Hey guys!

WOW!  Finally, I’m sort of out of my depression.

So, lets fill you guys in on what school has been like.

So, lets start with paleontology.  My lowest mark on a lab, 75%.  Highest mark, 98.  Average of all my marks on labs, 90% .  Midterm mark, 85.  Overall, I thought this class would be hard, but its actually friggen easy.  I mean, we learn about a fossil and then…thats it.  The worst part of it right now is the time periods, I just cannot get the to stick in my head!  Thats what I was told to work on for the final.  I’m really hoping for atleast an 80 in this class, my marks are showing me that I can do it.

Stats.  Midterm mark, 93.  Lowest assignment mark, 75.  Highest mark 98.  Yeah, I’m hoping for a 90 in this class.  The thing is is that once your assignments total 10/10 (each is out of 2) then you can’t get any higher in the assignment section of the mark, and I only need one more 1.8/2 to finish off my assignments.  I’m super excited.

Igneous.  Midterm mark, 65.  This is because I studied MY ASS OFF for all the material we covered in class, which was a lot.  We get to the midterm, and its a midterm that belongs in geology 102.  So, we all think that its super easy and breeze on through.  Wrong idea, because he RAPED us with the marking.  I’m really dissapointed with this mark, but I have many opportunities to pick it back up like my paper and stuff so I’m just going to have to work my ass off.

Sedimentology.  I don’t really know, because we didn’t get the midterms back yet.  However, 8/9′ths of the class failed.  So yeah, not too sure how I did.  I know I passed, but now thinking about it I’m not sure how well I did.  The labs are fine.  We handed in a lab project, and I’m really not sure how I did.  We also wrote our lab midterm today, and I thought it was incredibly easy but I just keep second guessing myself.

For my birthday, I got lots of money to pay off my HUGE credit card debt.  I’m slowly getting out of it though.  I also bought season 8 of Will and Grace, season 4 of The Office, and will be purchasing House when my step sister gets off her ass and buys me a birthday gift.  I’ve also been watching 30 rock, which is friggen hilarious!  Megan, when you come back, we need to have a day of DVD watching.

Anyways, I would talk more but I’m off to dance!

-Ryan

On My Own

You know, I have to hand it to you megan.  I can barely stay up until 11 :S although tonight I have the help of one Dr. Pepper to get me through it. 

I have a problem.  I feel like I need to either kill myself or kill myself right now.

I’m not exactly sure where this feeling is coming from,  but I can’t shake it.  I feel like everywhere I turn I just feel so sad, and desperate for something to change.  I’m also not sure if its my seasonal effectiveness doing this, or my relationship problems.  I think its both.  I keep feeling like Phil is cheating on me, no matter what people say (now that I know he has the capacity to do it, it also doesn’t help that he seems to see the need to talk to other gay people in Regina right infront of me), I feel so depressed when I’m at home and at dancing, I feel like I never know what I have to do from day to day at school. 

I talked to a councellor at school about this, because it has come to that.  She says given my history this might be very normal, but the fact that everything happened to me all at once like this its making it ten times worse.  She almost set me up with a ‘buddy’ to make sure I don’t do anything stupid, and I honestly right now feel like I need to have one.  I think I’m just going to go to school tomorrow and get some chemistry done and then get some homework done too.  Go into the lab, put some tunes on, and get the hell away from everything that is bugging me, and poor myself into my work and my studying. 

Thats another thing that my whole situation is not good for.  I have lost my drive for good marks.  I keep trying to rekindel (sp?  I know its wrong, Maureen don’t shoot me) my passion for a +80 average this semester (which is TOTALLY doable given how things have been going thus far).  Its just not a good time for me right now.

I really just kind of wish I was on my own right now.  Not on my own so that no one cares about me or any of that emo BS, but just not with these thoughts.  I think right now I would totally take lonliness over what I’m feeling right now.  I always thought all my problems would be solved by being in a relationship, and now I just want to do exactly the opposite.  Megan, you have it so nice with Tristan.

I’m sorry, I would say something uplifting but I’m just not feeling happy right now.

I PROMISE A NICER POST NEXT TIME.

-Ry

Its getting worse

Lasty friday was horrid.

I wake up in the morning, and I know I have a crap ton of labs to finish that day (3 in one afternoon to be exact).  When I go onto phils computer and click the start menu etc.  I see that he’s been using internet explorer alot.  Thats odd, he hates that browzer.  I open it up, check the history, and can you guess what I found?

Yeah.  That.  Again.  A lot.

I wrote him a note saying “I’m done”.  And seriously, I was ready to dump him.  In some ways my body still feels like I should dump him.

We talked about this.  We sat down, and we talked about this.  I explicitly told him why I don’t like porn, why I don’t like him watching porn, and that the solution to this problem was that I wanted him to stop watching porn.  My exact words were “Promise you’ll stop?”.  He said yes.  He said he’d promise to stop.

And now he tries to hide the fact that he’s doing it by using a different browser. 

The rest of the day was awful, I had this horrid feeling in my stomach, I likely failed all the labs I wrote, and to top it all off my friends pryed it out of me and were trying to console me.  It was just awful.  I kept replaying all the bad things thats happened between us in the last year, him calling me stupid and not smart enough to get into an ivy league school, him calling me his ex-boyfriends name, always telling me I’m a mean person every time I go to bed.  I just couldn’t handle it.

Its not just the fact that he watched it, its the fact that he tried to lie to me.  I’ve been lied to sooo many times during my life and I can’t stand it.  I mean, you say something then fucking keep your word, don’t sneak around like some loser and hope to god you don’t get caught.  I’m NOT stupid first of all, and I know when things are out of place.  He didn’t understand that what he was doing was wrong either.  Like everytime we make up he erases what happened in his head.  It even feels like he’s done that with this situation right now, which I have certainly not.

When we talked about it later that day he said he wasn’t going to apologize either.  That really hurt my feelings.  It felt like he was doing this to prove a point that I’m over sensetive.  I’m not, I’ve talked about this with my friend Tara, and she said I have every right to feel the way I do.  If he doesn’t make an effort to show you that your sexual enough to be picked over a video of 2 sluts doing it, then you should feel VERY offended.  And thats how I feel.  He said this is nothing, and “so many people watch porn” etc. and I was dumping him over no good reason.  Maybe one day I’ll be secure enough to not care, but right now I”m not, and if you know something bothers the other person then you STOP.  I’ve changed for him on many subjects, my mood when I get home, house work, the internet sites I visit (A hookup site that had a funny gay newspaper.  I just went on there for the Q&A).  In every case I changed, I am still trying to change, and I haven’t slipped once.

The worst part about this now is that I don’t trust him.  I don’t, and I don’t know when I am supposed to go back to trusting him.  I trusted him the first time when he said he wasn’t going to do this, but then look what happened.  This happens constantly to me in my life, and I’m effing sick of it.  And now I know he’s just going to be going into his histories and deleting it if he does end up watching it, which right now I wouldn’t put it past him.  This constant feeling of being neglected fucking hurts.  I can’t sleep well, my school work is going down hill, everything is just horridly going wrong.

And really, I don’t know how much longer I can take this feeling.

-Ryan

PS: Had a stats midterm and it went well, I’ll post a non dramatic blog eventually.  When I stop getting screwed over.